So I’m noticing, like most things in life, that not a lot happens to you without you allowing it to happen. Okay, sure, there the terrible and sad events in life which sadly seem to be a permanent part of this flawed world we live in, and if we focussed on those things in life I think we’d go insane and lose all direction. I can’t answer for those things, but I can answer for the things I have control over. My thoughts, my actions, my words to others, ..my emotions.
I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely here a big part because I’ve spend a lot of time shifting the blame onto someone (anyone!) else, in order to avoid taking on the very difficult responsibility and journey of changing myself. Why? Because it’s damn hard!! And because every time I feel like I’m getting somewhere, another area of my life rears its head and demands attention, and upsets the apple cart all over again! For example, my husband and I have been going to marriage counselling, which, while at times tiring and emotional, has been extremely useful and wonderful for instilling some new hope and direction in our marriage. So on that front, I’ve been feeling positive and like we’re getting somewhere and on top of things, but then BAM, we decide to go to NZ, and all our plans and ideas are up in the air, we’re changing country, and house, and car, and jobs, and hubby will be unemployed, and we don’t REALLY know what to expect, and it’s more than a bit scary. And I’ve always been the adventurous one, the let’s-go-do-it one, but this time I think I’m just SO OVER shifting and changing and starting again, 4th time in 4 years in our 3rd new city, that I’ve been feeling really negative about it all… and taking it out on hubby, who has been wonderful through it all, but it’s starting to wear thin. I’m going to have to get control of myself again, and quickly, before I destroy the good things we built during counselling and during my last 6 months of WW.
It’s funny though, even while I’m rolling in self pity, or grumping at hubby, or feeling stressed about the length of the to-do list, there is always still this little part of my brain, right up the back somewhere, that’s going, Anna – it’s not that bad, Anna – you’ve seen worse, Anna – there are actually more good things here than you can count, stop being a whiner. Get control of your emotions, stop being emotionally lazy and allowing yourself to ride the rollercoaster of ‘whatever I feel, I am.’ You don’t have to be that person.
I mean, I was that person at 15, but as an adult, I can take a little more responsibility for where and who I am, I should think! ..touch wood.. I can do things a little more graciously. I can note the good thing hubby is doing and encourage him instead of pointing out the things he gets wrong. I can be grateful that I’m not stacking on weight like I used to in a stressful time and am at least maintaining the 10kgs I’ve lost. I can appreciate my friends and family and make time to chat or skype them whether I am heading to live near them or moving further away. I can ask myself whether something is a big enough issue that it will still be a problem in a month before I blow up at someone or have a pity party. I can choose to focus on the positives of the beautiful and exciting aspects of the place I’m going, rather than the scary or negative ones.
I can do a little better than I’ve been doing, and have a little more fun along the way. So… I’m working on a little attitude adjustment here… not allowing the crazy train to run my life no more! 🙂 Well – that’s the plan. We’ll see how I go!